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You know you should prepare for your second baby’s arrival. But how?
The What to Expect books that captivated you before now make your
eyes glaze over. You don’t need, or want, much new gear. And the first baby taught
you that children sabotage the best-laid plans.
However, taking a few steps now can help ease the transition from one child to
two. Prepare yourself, your marriage and your firstborn to welcome your second
baby with the following strategies.
*Encourage brotherly love. Talking to siblings about the new baby is
important. But some of the big sister and big brother books are negative, preparing
firstborns for jealousy, tantrums and strife. Be positive in introducing the new baby.
Discuss how you’ll bathe, dress and diaper her together.
*Take a labor and delivery class. You think you remember everything.
(How could a woman forget?) But I was amazed at how much new information
surfaced in my second childbirth class - and how much I had to brush up on just
two years after the birth of my first.
*Negotiate daddy care. Be specific about your husband’s future role;
consider what has and hasn’t worked with your first child. Have dad assume more
duties with your firstborn now. It will be easier later if he knows the ropes.
*Purchase a double stroller. Your toddler may be big enough to walk,
but he’ll stage a sit-down strike when you stroll baby sister. Buy a double stroller if
your firstborn is under age 4. The front-to-back ones are easier to maneuver
through doors.
*Get organized. One child is a relationship. Two is a small business.
Make sure you’ve got a good planner. PDAs like the Palm can program events to
repeat each week, which is great for scheduling kids’ activities.
*Consider preschool. School can provide the big brother to a new
baby with a welcome world of his own, while offering you time alone with your
second child. Start classes before the baby arrives so your older child won’t feel like
he’s being shipped out because of his new sibling.
*Upgrade your tote. Forget the sleek designer diaper bag. Function
trumps form as the family grows. Get a bag with pockets on the outside so you can
grab the rattle and the juice box before the stoplight turns green.
*Request a gift. Not for the baby. For you! First-time moms get big
showers. Women expecting the second child often get ignored. Ask for a pretty
bathrobe, a bracelet or something else that will fit despite those extra pounds.
*Relax. Newborns sleep a lot and don’t steal siblings’ toys. Chaos
doesn’t really set in until the second child becomes mobile. Early on parents often
enjoy a honeymoon period. Prepare to savor those baby moments - they’re even
sweeter the second time around!
(c) 2006 Jennifer Bingham Hull. Reprint rights granted as long as entire article
is published, including resource box and its live links.
Jennifer Bingham Hull is an award-winning author and mother of two. Her book,
Beyond One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life, looks at the
changes having the second child brings. Jennifer’s articles have appeared in The
Wall Street Journal, Parenting, Working Mother and many other publications.
For more tips, visit http://www.growingafamily.com, where you can
contact her to receive this “Life Beyond One” column regularly and sign up for her
free newsletter.
While on a recent trip to the grocery store, I happened to hear a mother telling her teenage daughter not to answer her ringing cell phone. Of course, the daughter explained to her mother that “she just had to answer it” As the mother was in the middle of stating how she barely gets two minutes of her daughters time in a day, and her daughter answering the ever so “important” call anyways, all I could think was how much I could relate with this poor woman. In fact, I’m sure most parents with teenage children can relate to her as I did.
On the Parents side of the coin, it’s like we went from diapering our children and being the center of their universe to complete strangers..! Of course, the teens would say we have just plain out turned into a major pain in the rear for them. It’s a bit weird for me when I think about the time when my boys were younger, all they wanted was my complete attention that sometimes was a struggle to provide at every minute of the day. Welcome to the Teen Years Parents…! The roles have switched.. As much as we dislike it, we will now struggle to get the attention of our children as they struggle to give it to us… Ultimately, we do want our children to become strong, independent, and well-rounded adults, and most of them will. However, during this whole process of becoming a teenager, as parents we tend to go through a bit of separation anxiety of our own. Our teens simply do not require the same attention they did when they were younger.
It is important for all parents to realize during this transition, our teens DO need our attention and our love, but we have to approach it differently as they make their way to independence. This is the phase where talking and relating with our teens will meet its biggest challenge. Hang on to your hats parents…!The time you once shared with your child is now going to be limited because of academics, extra curricular activities, friends, and maybe even a part-time job. Because of these factors, it’s important to take advantage of every opportunity you get to spend time with your child and make the most of it.
The first part of doing this is grabbing their interest first.
For myself, I have found the best ways to grab their attention is to find things that I have in common with them or show a genuine interest in the things they like or may be involved with. Unfortunately, teens tend to feel they really don’t have anything in common with their parents, or the parents just can’t seem to grasp what it’s like to be a teenager in today’s society. This is why you need to show them you’re not the person from the “dark ages” as they may think and to do this, you need to listen, learn, and pay attention to what they have going on in their world. If you can manage to do this, you could be well on your way to being the “cool” but responsible parent they didn’t know they had.
Now you’re probably wondering how you are going to pull this off.. Don’t worry…
I will give you an example.My teenage son has a big interest in stereo sound systems, so one day I just started asking him questions about stereos and sure enough, his face lit up like a Christmas tree.. In fact, I couldn’t get him to stop talking. At the start of our conversation, I had little knowledge about this subject, but at the same time it was a complete joy just to be talking with my teen and have him actually open up and I learned a few things too. My main focus was to get him to engage in a conversation with me and by asking just a couple short questions about something he really had a passion for, he opened up. Before I knew it, he was bringing me magazines, pictures, and even took me to the computer to show me all sorts of things. Before long, we went from discussing stereo systems to all kinds of things. This approach has worked magic for me, so I suggest to other parents to find what peaks your teen’s interest the most and roll with it. This is the time to keep it light and keep things fun. Your goal is to open the lines of communication again with your teen rather than leaving them closed. Once you have managed to show your teen that you are interested in the little things that mean to so much to them, they will be more apt to come to you with bigger issues they have going on in their life. Especially once they realize that they have one of the coolest parents around.At this point, your most likely asking yourself “Where do I find the time?” Timing is the biggest trick for parents and finding the most opportune moment is key. While your teen may not have several hours to devote to talking with mom and dad, there are probably more times in your day than you realize in which you can utilize to communicate with your teen.
In fact, it only takes just a few minutes to get a lot of information passed along. The simplest way to find the time might be the car ride to and from school, at breakfast time, or dinner etc.. Keep in mind that the car ride may not be the best time to get into heavy conversation, but a great chance to find out what they have planned for their day and to get a feel for what their mood is. Meal times tend to provide a more relaxed setting, which means if you have more than one child, you can talk to them as a family unit rather than targeting one of them out. This is also a good time to address light topics that pertain to ALL of your children such as homework, chores, etc. Sometimes talking as a group relaxes everyone and for the teen that thinks his parents are always on his back, it’s a perfect time to discuss minor things in a way that the teen doesn’t feel he/she is alone or being singled out. Choosing the right time and place to talk to your teen is always important. If the topic of conversation is related to only your teen, be sure to have that discussion when it’s only you and your teen present.
Participating in a one-on-one activity they like is also a good time for what they may consider a private discussion. Sometimes it’s not anything heavy they wish to discuss, but they have the need to maintain their privacy and don’t always want their business (no matter how minor the topic) open for a group discussion. It’s all part of them gaining their independence.When our children were younger, they were literally on our heals for the attention, but in this NEW period of their life, they appear as if they don’t need it or want it anymore and they are constantly pushing us away, But don’t be fooled..!
They “still” very much need us and need to know we are there for them. The transition from child to adult can be a trying time for both the teen and the parents. They may need you more then ever as they complete this journey, but their needs will be that of a different level. So get on their level and relate with them. Be there for them and most of all LOVE them for who they are becoming.
This article was written by Tammy Pinarbasi, Owner of the Parent Super Site, http://www.parentsupersite.com
You are welcome to use this article, however, a link back to this site would be appreciated. Thank you!
Hi everyone,
I’m certainly not unique in that I’m “basking in the glow” of being an older parent. (Does 45 represent older?)
There’s lots like me. You’ve seen them, ministering to their kids in the play area or pool, instantly recognisable with the silver highlights in their hair and possibly careworn demeanor…
However, the older Dad faces both challenges and opportunities.
His world view may be a little jaundiced - yet he must meet the expectations of a bright-eyed, eager to learn and absorb toddler. Not always easy when your take on the world is tinged with a little pessimism?
That same pessimism might also come with an appropriate level of knowledge and experience. The learning curve of the child might then be accelerated or enhanced.
Older Dad will also likely have a clearer picture of where he might direct his child in terms of education and steering them toward self-fulfilment. He might also be able to handle the screaming toddler in the supermarket a little more calmly! The kids toys thrown at you with alarming regularity might not seem too bad.
However, the actual use of these seemingly advantageous factors does require effort and input!
It’s more likely the older Dad does not possess the energy levels typified by the younger Dad… Could he then be found wanting?
One thing’s for sure, the requisite effort and necessary free-thinking will bring tremendous rewards for both Father and child.
You’ll both feel better and actually become more rounded individuals. Mummy will certainly award brownie points for your efforts - think of the benefits! I’m sorry, does that sound mercenary?!
In a nutshell, make the time to play with your child… Don’t lose the ability to play because you’ll lose something of yourself. That’s if you have any energy left at the end of the working day!
For the older Dad, there’s lots of hope… Be a good Dad and society will reward you many times over.
Andy Mackay
www.bigdaddy.myhomeblogs.info
You are telling me that in this age of instant communication, instant gratification, constant stimulation, that something as quiet as listening can impact your frazzled family?
Absolutely!
I am deeply indebted to my early graduate school instructors and to Tony Kubicki, who was my mentor in the domestic violence field, for their patience in teaching me the value of listening.
It was Tony who actually cemented my knowledge of listening with his model, which he taught to men who were court ordered to his Beyond Abuse program.
But first, my instructors at Illinois State University had to confront my old confrontational style of conversation, and what I thought was deeply empathic listening. My style of reflective listening was much more accusatory than it was empathic. Luckily for me, I caught on before too much academic damage resulted.
I am also indebted to author Warren Farrell, whose book “Why Men are the Way They Are” includes a model for listening effectively when the other party is very upset.
The Discreet Skills.
Tony’s model was a little simpler than Mr. Farrells.
Tony said to repeat your friend’s or your wife’s or your child’s words, silently, to yourself as they speak.
When it is your turn, you first repeat back to the other person what you heard them say, with some acknowledgement of their feelings, ending with a question along the lines of, “Did I get that right?”
If the answer is, “Yes, you got that right”, then you can speak.
If the answer to your question of accuracy is. “No”, then you would ask them to repeat their information for you so you could “get on the same page with them.” (Technically, this process could go on indefinitely, but usually doesn’t.)
The idea behind repeating their words to myself is to stop the oh so human habit of waiting for them to take a breath so I can get my accusation in style of communication.
Tony called using those listening skills “Giving the gift of Attention.”
I do not know how many times I have been confronted by someone, like my wife, or children, who are very upset, and I can watch them calm down as they begin to trust that I will listen to them.
Listening is the Solution?
It would appear then that the actual act of listening is sometimes the solution sought after by our significant others.
I give attention first, unless my wife or children are actually saying, “How do I do That…?” kind of questions.
My wife is an incredibly bright woman who has run her life incredibly well without too many solutions from me, the guy who is hardwired and trained to provide solutions.
However, every day we share some conversation about feelings. Every day, she may seek closeness and comfort in the form of a conversation about her feelings in regard to an issue. If I remember the “Gift of Attention”, and provide it, I get huge rewards.
Children are to be Seen and not Heard!
I am intensely curious about how my children are growing inside. I want them to feel confident and to act confidently.
So I think that part of my responsibilities as a Frazzled Father is to talk with them.
My son has already begun the process of not sharing his feelings without some prompting, but I keep after him, and so we violate that ancient family value about children not talking.
I encourage him to find words for his feelings, and I am delighted when he uses them in his daily vocabulary.
I am working very hard to be that John Gottman style of “Emotional Coach.”
Lots of our play has to do with rough housing. I did not get to do much of that with my Dad, and I am amazed at how he loves to wrestle with me. Seems like we could wrestle forever.
During our rough housing is when I can teach him some words about disgust and contempt. I can say to him that I want more mischief in our communication, rather than the contempt I sometimes get. And you know what?
He will eventually find words that serve him, and are respectful to me.
I think part of what he is trying out with me is how to be aggressive, strong, masculine, (such energy) and on the play ground, where there are older kids, he sees contempt and aggression, so he brings it home to try on me.
Here is where listening pays off with my boy. If I respond to the expression or tone of voice which indicates contempt, with contempt, I will very quickly alienate my son, if not make him fear me. (I need to handle my emotions, and parent from my values, and model for him a powerful masculinity which respects rather than disrepects. Remember that 1/18th second that it takes for me to convert love to violence?)
When my little daughter talks to me, she is usually asking for food or attention. She likes me to chase her across the room, giggling and chortling, as I chug along behind her. So much delight.
She will even allow me to prompt her in games of interaction. If I am laying on the couch, she will crawl all over me, like a cub in a lion pride.
Listening to her is easy at this point.
However, just because she has no words yet does not mean that I get a pass on listening.
Her brain is actually being shaped at an incredibly rapid pace by the quality of social interactions with her family and care givers.
It is very, very important to her sense of safety and attachment, which will impact the quality of her relationships all the rest of her life, that her mom and I look at her as we interact and that we let her see our love and admiration.
We will communicate that through our eyes and tone of voice at this point, and we need to match her as we change diapers or get her milk, or bathe her.
So giving the gift of attention is very important at every stage of life.
Michael S. Logan, MS, father, husband, psychotherapist, webmaster at http://www.frazzled-family-finding-change-growth-wellness.com